Cletus: the Keys and Pants

I received a distress call from cousin Cletus last Wednesday, “Bob, I’m in stall number 2 in the restroom at work and I need a pair of pants.”

This is not the kind of call you get everyday, even when your cousins are Clovis, Cletus, Clive, Clyde, and Cleve; even when their sister is Clare.

“You need a pair of pants?” I asked. “You must have had a pretty bad accident.”

“Well, it wasn’t exactly an accident, it was a predicament.”

“A what?”

“I said it was a predicament.”

“What do you mean a predicament?”

“Well, as I was walking across the parking lot to get in my car and drive to an appointment I reached into my right pants pocket to get my keys out and they were stuck.”

“Stuck, what do you mean stuck? Did you have Super Glue in your pocket?”

“They were stuck in that little insert they put in a pocket that keeps your pocket from wearing out from carrying loose change.”

“Loose change? Nobody carries loose change anymore, do you mean you carry loose change that has Super Glue on it and when your keys came in contact with the change and the Super Glue they stuck?”

“No Bob, I mean I didn’t have any loose change in my pocket and that when I put my keys in that pocket they got down in that little insert pocket and wouldn’t come out.

“As I was walking toward my car I kept pulling on my keys, trying to rearrange them so they’d come out – but they wouldn’t come.

“Finally, when I got to the car I pulled my pocket inside-out to get a look at the problem; I tried to move the keys this way and that way – all the while looking around to see if anyone was watching me fight with my own pants. The more I pulled and twisted the keys and the pocket the more frustrated I got until…rippppppppp…not only did I rip my pocket but my pants ripped about 12 inches down my thigh…and I still couldn’t dislodge my keys to get in the car.

“Luckily I was parked pretty close to the door of the office building, and fortunately the men’s room is not far from the lobby, so I tore off to the lobby and then the men’s room before anyone could see me – at least I hope before anyone could see me.

“So here I am in the second stall as you come into the men’s room and I need you to please run by Wal-Mart and get me some size 42 waist 32 length pants – jeans are fine, I just need something to get me out of there so I can deal with my next problem.”

“Your next problem?” I asked. “What’s your next problem?”

“As I was running to the building the keys fell out of the pocket insert.”

“That doesn’t sound like a problem to me,” I said. “It sounds like good news.”

“It ain’t good news Bob, I was running across a storm grate and the keys fell through the opening – once I get some pants I’m going to need to try to retrieve my keys. So can you please run by Wal-Mart and get me some pants – 42 waist, 32 long?”

“Sorry Cletus, I’m out-of-town at a conference.”