No Acorns

There ain’t no acorns. Oh I suppose I could write, “There aren’t any acorns,” but that doesn’t get right to the point that there ain’t no acorns. Last year we had acorns aplenty, this year no acorns though we do have right many hickory nuts, but since there are many more oak trees in our region than hickory trees the hickory nuts won’t make up for the lack of acorns.

We had so many acorns last year that they carpeted our yard; we raked them in piles and then used a snow shovel to scoop them up and move them off the lawn and into the woods. It was a good year for deer and other critters, plenty of acorns. The only thing good about this year for critters so far is that while it’s colder than last year we haven’t had snow, the absence of snow is good because we ain’t got no acorns.

The hickory nuts are all gone, everyone cracked open and the meat eaten; there are hickory nut half shells all over our back and side yards; there are no acorn shells because as you know by now there are no acorns. Maybe it’s global warming, maybe it’s too many rockets blasting into the heavens and disrupting the natural order of things, maybe it’s because the Chicago Cubs still haven’t won a World Series in ages, maybe it’s because Congress still can’t get anything done that matters – whatever the reason the acorns aren’t here. Is this the equivalent of the swallows not returning to Capistrano?

Those that are in the know knew a few months ago that there weren’t any acorns, they said so in the newspaper and the newspaper is just one step down from the internet. What they said confirmed what we and the critters already knew; we had hickory nuts but no acorns – the newspaper assured us all that we weren’t hallucinating (I tacked the article on a tree for the squirrels and deer to read). There are areas of the country that not only ain’t got no acorns, they ain’t got hickory nuts either. There are areas in the land where squirrels are starving. There is a news story up in D.C. that contains the statement, “There literally aren’t any acorns”; I’m reassured that what I read is literal and I’m puzzled as to why the writer doesn’t think I can discern between the literal and figurative.

There is a naturalist up in Long Island who is credited with being the first naturalist to observe the absence of acorns, I think they are giving her a plaque or party or parade; I suspect there is many a homeowners or hiker who also probably qualifies for recognition.

As a boy in my slingshot days I would have lamented the absence of acorns the way a soldier despairs at the lack of ammunition, but as I’ve grown older I’ve changed and I am now in favor of gun and slingshot control – if you must engage in warfare eschew the lethal power of the slingshot and just throw a walnut…but wait…are there any walnuts?