Lemuel and Rosa and Duke’s Mayonnaise

Lemuel told me that he stopped at Food Lion yesterday to pick up some mayonnaise. Earlier in the week a friend had given him manna from his garden, you may know manna as tomatoes. If you don’t associate home-grown tomatoes as manna, then with all due respect (and pity) you ain’t from around here.

In my own life I recall that when Vickie and I lived in MA and friends from around here were coming to visit, that when they asked if they could bring us anything we didn’t have to think twice, “Hanover tomatoes”. If you don’t know what Hanover tomatoes are then with all due respect (and pity) you ain’t from around here.

When I meet someone from around here who doesn’t like tomatoes I give them my sympathies and ask them why they don’t move – what’s the point of living here and not loving tomatoes. Then once I establish that they aren’t moving I ask them if I can have their share of tomatoes.

Lemuel and his missus were going to have BLTs last night and needed mayonnaise. If you are from around here you immediately recognize that this couple committed the eighth deadly sin, if you ain’t from around here you don’t know no better – to be out of mayonnaise during tomato season is not one of those tweeny-weeny sins, it is a deadly sin. I’ve known unfortunate things to happen in families that have run out of mayonnaise, I’ve known life-long friends to come to blows over the last spoonful in a jar, I’ve known couples in counseling because one or the other failed to notify the other when the last dollop was gone so that it could be replenished. The smart family has extra mayonnaise, the intelligent family estimates their anticipated mayonnaise consumption at the start of ‘mater season and stocks a supply – you don’t fly across the Pacific without plenty of fuel, and no thoughtful family is going to risk entering the tomato season without ensuring a supply of mayonnaise. (I hope Lemuel and his missus don’t read this!).

I’ve been told that some jurisdictions have arrested grocery store owners who have jacked up the price of mayonnaise during hurricane season when folks think they might have to hunker down. I think that is wrong, I don’t think they should be arrested, just deported. I understand that one citizenship ceremony on July 4 includes the requirement that the new citizens partake of either a BLT or a straight tomato and mayonnaise sandwich. If you don’t understand all of this…you ain’t from around here.

Now don’t get me wrong, if you ain’t from around here but move here there is hope; just as in the ancient world not everyone was a Greek, but everyone could learn to speak Greek and thereby become cultured, so the door of Southern hospitality is open to refugees from other regions who have not been initiated into the delight and comfort of home-grown tomatoes, especially Hanover tomatoes. We all need help from time-to-time and most folks are open to helping those unfortunates who have never tasted tomato manna – most are open I say, not all. I admit that I struggle with sharing tomatoes, which is pretty sad considering that others share tomatoes with me – but I digress, this is about Lemuel and Rosa and Duke’s…not about me.

I see that I’ve written all that I can right now, so we’ll pick this up in the next post. By the way, don’t leave home today without checking on your stock of mayo.