“He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines
him diligently.” Proverbs 13:24.
Proverbs Chapter 13 begins with discipline in the father – son relationship
and its penultimate verse returns to the image. Whereas 13:1 focuses on the
son, 13:24 draws our attention to the father.
Let’s begin with an observation about the “rod” in this verse, while I am
not going to explore corporeal punishment, I want to point out that the image
of the “rod” is an image of discipline and instruction – that is, a rod is more
than a physical rod, a rod is an image of discipline and instruction. Godly paternal
discipline and instruction is given in the context of relationship and love and
care, its purpose is the betterment and growth and well-being and protection of
the child or young person; it is directed toward the whole daughter or son –
spirit, soul, heart, mind, and body.
Paul writes in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to
anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Then in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that
they will not lose heart.”
This doesn’t mean that children or young people will never get angry and
that if they get angry the parent has somehow failed to employ godly discipline,
but there is a kind of discipline that is more a test of wills and sheer power
than it is of teaching and love, a kind of discipline that is more retributive
than anything else, and my sense is that this kind of behavior is more destructive
and alienating than anything else – this is what drives children and young people
to the kind of anger and exasperation that Paul is, possibly, referring to. The
nature of this “discipline” can break the child or young person, rather than
mold character and foster growth and relationship.
Perhaps you have seen this behavior in families, or in schools or places
of work. Perhaps you have either been the recipient of this type of behavior
or, sadly, perhaps you have been the source of the behavior. The Good News is
that we can ask our dear heavenly Father to teach us all and to redeem both our
pain and our foolishness and stupidity. I have been a dumb ass with respect to
these things more than once, and if there is hope for me then there is great
hope for you.
Proverbs 13:24 gives us two images, the father who hates his son and the
father who loves his son – the distinguishing and identifiable feature in
each image is discipline, either its lack or its presence.
Godly discipline requires thought, time, prayer, self-examination, and a
willingness to maintain Biblical standards and teaching in the face of a
hostile world that is intent on capturing the souls of our children and young
people…and which is by and large succeeding. If we are to instruct and
discipline others, our own souls must be subject to the discipline of our
heavenly Father, the Scriptures, and the Body of Christ – for we are members of
one another.
In the workplace, I lived in a deep awareness that if I was going to
instruct and teach and discipline my employees that I really needed to live
under the authority and discipline of Jesus Christ – otherwise my behavior and
thinking would be capricious and arbitrary and I would be more interested in
taking the easy way out rather than investing myself in the welfare of others.
We cannot control how others respond to instruction and discipline, but
by God’s grace we can submit ourselves to the authority and love and care of
Jesus Christ as we discipline and teach others – to teach we must be taught, to
correct we must be corrected, to discipline we must live lives under
discipline, to exercise authority we must live under authority.
The physical rod, or its punitive equivalent, can be a substitute for parental
engagement and instruction; the same can be said for a passive attitude toward
parenting – in both cases the parent need not invest himself or herself in raising
the child or young person.
I knew a parent who had her son cut their backyard grass with a pair of
scissors to punish him – thankfully they lived in a townhouse. When she shared
this with me she shared it with immense pride, as if she had shown him who was
boss. Now I ask you, what do you think this foolishness accomplished?
On the other end of the spectrum, I recall a member of a small group talking
about some soul – destroying behavior that his teenage daughter was involved in.
When someone asked him if he has spoken to her about it he said, “I couldn’t do
that, she wouldn’t like me.” Is not this another form of foolishness? (This man
was a leader in the community, a business owner, a leader in his congregation –
yet he couldn’t lead his family.)
If we view both of the above behaviors through Proverbs 13:24 what do we
see? Forcing your son to cut the grass with scissors is no more godly
discipline that doing nothing about your daughter’s soul – destroying behavior;
neither is an example of loving your child.
This may be a good time to refresh ourselves with Hebrews 12:4 – 11, our
heavenly Father disciplines us because He loves us, and children who are
without discipline are treated as if they are illegitimate (I suppose this
means that we treat most of our children in the U.S.A. as if they are indeed
illegitimate, for we certainly don’t hold them accountable for their actions).
We are also reminded in Hebrews 12:11 that, “All discipline for the
moment seems not to be joyful…” This is not just true for the child; it is also
true for the parent. How often do parents not teach and correct their children because
they just don’t want the hassle or the discomfort?
How often do employers or supervisors or teachers not correct and teach
those they are supposed to serve because they don’t want the discomfort,
tension, or hassle?
I have had many corrective and teaching conversations with employees over
the years, and I don’t think that I have been comfortable in any of them, but I
have known that if I really cared about the people on my team that I needed to
have the conversations. Sometimes the conversations went well, sometimes they
didn’t. Sometimes they didn’t go well in the moment, but later they yielded amazing
fruit; sometimes they resulted in an employee leaving the firm.
As a pastor I didn’t do as well, I know I avoided many discussions I
should have had, and for sure some of my conversations were not as thoughtful
as they should have been – well, as I wrote above, we can ask our Father to
redeem our foolishness and look for His mercy.
How can we even begin to ponder these things without looking to our Lord
Jesus for help and mercy and grace?
What do you see in Proverbs 13:24?
What can we learn about discipline from Proverbs 13:1, 10, 18, and 24?
What is the story that we see here?
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